All The Wrong Places

I'm constantly trying to determine what living really is for me at this point. My life is on repeat these days; I share the same thoughts, ideas and approaches to my circumstances on a daily basis. I am so consumed with the past that I am in many ways unable to move forward. I keep thinking about how life was before such drastic things happened and I wish to revisit this time period over and over again.

What bothers me more than anything is that I cannot do anything tangible to change the past. I can only try to accept what has occurred and mold this life into something meaningful. I am the kind of person who rarely forgets and moves on and yet in this case, there is no alternative.

Currently playing in iTunes: Gbliss by Recue

Solsbury Hill

I'm listening to Kyte's version of Solsbury Hill and thinking a lot about the lyrical content of the song. In particular the part that mentions how his life was in a rut is of particular interest to me these days. I'm still trying to figure out this whole living thing; it's really hard.

Climbing up on solsbury hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart was going boom boom, boom
Son, he said, grab your things, I've come to take you home.

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
till I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, he said, grab your things, Ive come to take you home.
Yeah back home

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I dont need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my things, they've come to take me home.

Currently playing in iTunes: Solsbury Hill by Kyte

Could This Really Have Happened?

I still can't believe it is October already; time tends to move so slow yet so incredibly fast at the same time. Life is perplexing and it is hard to keep track of the days anymore, everything seems to blur together. Each day, I continue to have flashbacks in my mind, of conversations, of drives to the hospital, of moments I will never begin to experience again in my life. I cannot believe this is how it ended, my mind will never fully wrap itself around that concept. I'm unable to process this experience and yet I am condemned to repeat it every single day. The thoughts alone make me teary-eyed, I don't want to believe they are real, but at the same time I can't deny it. At night, in the morning, I ask myself the same series of questions over and over again, "How could this have really happened?", "Why did this happen to my family?", "How can I ever begin to deal with this situation?". Then I continuously replay all of the events from 2007 in fast-forward through my mind's eye and suddenly I'm back to this very moment.

I doubt it ever gets any easier, you probably just finally deal with it because you really have no other choice. I wish I could go back to simpler times when my mind wasn't so cluttered with these disturbing thoughts, but I fear they will always be there. The pain and sadness are everlasting and there are only brief glimpses of moments, ideas and escapes where I can temporarily forget what has happened, but then it goes away. The gravity of the situation is enormous, enough to crush you in a single blow. Yet each day my heart continues to beat and I walk around almost in a daze, this is my life. Perhaps my final purpose hasn't become clear yet at this time, maybe one day it will. In the end, I'm still here in this moment and I doubt I'm leaving anytime soon.

Thinking Loudly

I'm getting really tired of Albuquerque, I'm feeling a major change might be on the horizon and quite soon. I've always complained about the inadequate amount of resources in Albuquerque, but this time it is serious business. Finding a suitable position when it comes to my career is of utmost importance to me, not only in terms of financial stability but in the continuance of the educational process.

I browse the same websites each day and it seems like the right job never seems to come up despite endless searching. I have so many things weighing on my mind and I'm feeling very overwhelmed with my current state of affairs. I told myself things would improve after I returned from the midwest trip and that having a new puppy in my life would satisfy me, but I still feel exactly the same. I'm not sure how to go about transforming my life to the next level, but I do feel it is imperative that the evolution occurs soon.

Ivy

The picture above is of our new dog Ivy, a female pied french bulldog, who is currently 13 weeks old. We finally picked her up last Saturday after waiting till we returned home from our trip to Chicago. This first week, we had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time together; she already feels like a member of the family.

Although she first presented herself as a somewhat shy little puppy that hid under a couch, when we went to see her at five weeks; she has turned out much more daring and adventurous. She has begun to explore every facet of the yard and yields a very high amount of energy for such a small package. Training a puppy is a truly exhausting process and it definitely has its difficulties, but my feeling is that the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Overall, Ivy is a very sweet little dog who has become a very loving and welcomed distraction from a very difficult year and half.

As my mom has said, "Ivy really grows on you" and I couldn't agree more.

Staring Out The Window

On Good Morning America they aired a segment on a woman who could literally remember every single moment of her life; scientists were quite astonished by this and began researching her heavily. They would ask her what she had for breakfast on some random date like 20 years ago and she could tell them every single detail about the day. I've been told I also have a very good memory when it comes to details and I feel this is both a blessing and a curse.

Yesterday I went to a local coffee shop with a friend to hang out and kill time for awhile. When he left for a few minutes to go to the bathroom I stared out the window onto a sign that is in the shape of a scottish terrier. The sign is currently for a dog grooming business but the store used to be a record store called Bow Wow Records. All of these thoughts began to enter into my mind and I started to remember when I helped my father move out to Albuquerque back in November of 1999. I recall asking him if he could take me to this aforementioned record store and he agreed. Just a few blocks away he went to the Wells Fargo to open up his local bank account. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that rushed through my mind as I felt I was having a lucid dream inside a nightmare. I simply cannot bring myself to acknowledge and accept that he is gone.

My brother and his new girlfriend are in Albuquerque as I write this post. I stopped by the house to witness them going through all of my father's belongings/possessions and making piles for giveaway, selling and keepsakes. I have to wonder is this all that we really leave behind? A simple pile of useless items that most people could care less about and the memory of a life once lived now over.

I'm not really sure what will make me feel better about everything that is happening right now. I continue to put my hopes into other people to try to make me happy with the life that I'm living. Perhaps if you have a girl next to you during the long darkened nights it begins to distract you away from replaying events over and over again in your mind. I yearn for connections, I yearn for experiences, for moments, for living in the now and being truly happy for once in my life. My time will soon come.

Secure Shell

In the networking world there is a protocol called SSH or secure shell. The main feature over its original implementation, telnet, is to be able to provide encrypted traffic between two computers via a secure channel. In particular this is the type of communications one would utilize if they had very sensitive data that needed to be transferred back and forth, etc.

This concept got me thinking quite a bit and I've come to the realization that for most of my life I have encrypted a large part of myself. I have created my own secure shell; I haven't opened myself for the majority of people. Lately, in response to all of the trauma I have endured I've begun to open parts of myself to a wide variety of people. This could be viewed as both positive and negative depending on the circumstances. In many ways I feel like I have woken up from a long sustained slumber on living and this most certainly is a good thing. However, once you fully expose your inner contents to others there is always the possibility of immense pain and suffering. This is what has happened to me over the past few months; in many aspects I lost a large part of myself in the process. This makes me wonder if there is a way to have a balance of remaining protective and cautious, but still having the desire to connect with people in intangible ways. Perhaps the key is to be open to the idea while at the same time only dipping your toe in the water to get a full sense of its temperature. I would prefer to view others based on their better qualities but sometimes this over-idealization can lead to dangerous results; this is something I definitely will need to work on.