Could This Really Have Happened?

I still can't believe it is October already; time tends to move so slow yet so incredibly fast at the same time. Life is perplexing and it is hard to keep track of the days anymore, everything seems to blur together. Each day, I continue to have flashbacks in my mind, of conversations, of drives to the hospital, of moments I will never begin to experience again in my life. I cannot believe this is how it ended, my mind will never fully wrap itself around that concept. I'm unable to process this experience and yet I am condemned to repeat it every single day. The thoughts alone make me teary-eyed, I don't want to believe they are real, but at the same time I can't deny it. At night, in the morning, I ask myself the same series of questions over and over again, "How could this have really happened?", "Why did this happen to my family?", "How can I ever begin to deal with this situation?". Then I continuously replay all of the events from 2007 in fast-forward through my mind's eye and suddenly I'm back to this very moment.

I doubt it ever gets any easier, you probably just finally deal with it because you really have no other choice. I wish I could go back to simpler times when my mind wasn't so cluttered with these disturbing thoughts, but I fear they will always be there. The pain and sadness are everlasting and there are only brief glimpses of moments, ideas and escapes where I can temporarily forget what has happened, but then it goes away. The gravity of the situation is enormous, enough to crush you in a single blow. Yet each day my heart continues to beat and I walk around almost in a daze, this is my life. Perhaps my final purpose hasn't become clear yet at this time, maybe one day it will. In the end, I'm still here in this moment and I doubt I'm leaving anytime soon.

Thinking Loudly

I'm getting really tired of Albuquerque, I'm feeling a major change might be on the horizon and quite soon. I've always complained about the inadequate amount of resources in Albuquerque, but this time it is serious business. Finding a suitable position when it comes to my career is of utmost importance to me, not only in terms of financial stability but in the continuance of the educational process.

I browse the same websites each day and it seems like the right job never seems to come up despite endless searching. I have so many things weighing on my mind and I'm feeling very overwhelmed with my current state of affairs. I told myself things would improve after I returned from the midwest trip and that having a new puppy in my life would satisfy me, but I still feel exactly the same. I'm not sure how to go about transforming my life to the next level, but I do feel it is imperative that the evolution occurs soon.

Ivy

The picture above is of our new dog Ivy, a female pied french bulldog, who is currently 13 weeks old. We finally picked her up last Saturday after waiting till we returned home from our trip to Chicago. This first week, we had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time together; she already feels like a member of the family.

Although she first presented herself as a somewhat shy little puppy that hid under a couch, when we went to see her at five weeks; she has turned out much more daring and adventurous. She has begun to explore every facet of the yard and yields a very high amount of energy for such a small package. Training a puppy is a truly exhausting process and it definitely has its difficulties, but my feeling is that the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Overall, Ivy is a very sweet little dog who has become a very loving and welcomed distraction from a very difficult year and half.

As my mom has said, "Ivy really grows on you" and I couldn't agree more.

Staring Out The Window

On Good Morning America they aired a segment on a woman who could literally remember every single moment of her life; scientists were quite astonished by this and began researching her heavily. They would ask her what she had for breakfast on some random date like 20 years ago and she could tell them every single detail about the day. I've been told I also have a very good memory when it comes to details and I feel this is both a blessing and a curse.

Yesterday I went to a local coffee shop with a friend to hang out and kill time for awhile. When he left for a few minutes to go to the bathroom I stared out the window onto a sign that is in the shape of a scottish terrier. The sign is currently for a dog grooming business but the store used to be a record store called Bow Wow Records. All of these thoughts began to enter into my mind and I started to remember when I helped my father move out to Albuquerque back in November of 1999. I recall asking him if he could take me to this aforementioned record store and he agreed. Just a few blocks away he went to the Wells Fargo to open up his local bank account. I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that rushed through my mind as I felt I was having a lucid dream inside a nightmare. I simply cannot bring myself to acknowledge and accept that he is gone.

My brother and his new girlfriend are in Albuquerque as I write this post. I stopped by the house to witness them going through all of my father's belongings/possessions and making piles for giveaway, selling and keepsakes. I have to wonder is this all that we really leave behind? A simple pile of useless items that most people could care less about and the memory of a life once lived now over.

I'm not really sure what will make me feel better about everything that is happening right now. I continue to put my hopes into other people to try to make me happy with the life that I'm living. Perhaps if you have a girl next to you during the long darkened nights it begins to distract you away from replaying events over and over again in your mind. I yearn for connections, I yearn for experiences, for moments, for living in the now and being truly happy for once in my life. My time will soon come.

Secure Shell

In the networking world there is a protocol called SSH or secure shell. The main feature over its original implementation, telnet, is to be able to provide encrypted traffic between two computers via a secure channel. In particular this is the type of communications one would utilize if they had very sensitive data that needed to be transferred back and forth, etc.

This concept got me thinking quite a bit and I've come to the realization that for most of my life I have encrypted a large part of myself. I have created my own secure shell; I haven't opened myself for the majority of people. Lately, in response to all of the trauma I have endured I've begun to open parts of myself to a wide variety of people. This could be viewed as both positive and negative depending on the circumstances. In many ways I feel like I have woken up from a long sustained slumber on living and this most certainly is a good thing. However, once you fully expose your inner contents to others there is always the possibility of immense pain and suffering. This is what has happened to me over the past few months; in many aspects I lost a large part of myself in the process. This makes me wonder if there is a way to have a balance of remaining protective and cautious, but still having the desire to connect with people in intangible ways. Perhaps the key is to be open to the idea while at the same time only dipping your toe in the water to get a full sense of its temperature. I would prefer to view others based on their better qualities but sometimes this over-idealization can lead to dangerous results; this is something I definitely will need to work on.

Charms of Shadowy Women

I've enjoyed the song "Japanese Gum" by Her Space Holiday for quite some time, but I had never really taken the opportunity to examine the lyrics in detail until recently. Upon doing so it became clear just how relevant the scenario described throughout the song is to my experiences with certain women.

I used to know this girl
Who gave her love away
To every guy she met
And with all the games they played
She never seemed to cry
She never got upset
And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in
But all of my advances
Were shut down in the end
When days turned into months
I begged her to explain
And this is what she sang

It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

I used to know this boy
Who took notes in a book
But he ripped out all the pages
Before I got a look
At all the words he scribbled
At all the lines he filled
But the ink stains on his fingers
Told me he was skilled
At capturing a feeling
That most of us just miss
The simple pain of living
With goodbyes on our lips
I found one of the pages
Crumpled by her bed
And this is how it read

It's not like I am weak
Or that I don't know how to leave
It's just that every time you cheat
You bring me closer to defeat

Until there's nothing left to love
Until there's nothing left to say
I know that you need help
But even I can't save you from yourself

As I look back upon the women who have affected me the most, I've determined that the ones that I am most attracted to are those that are the most unstable and unbalanced. There is something about this type of psychological profile which also makes them deeply passionate, full of spontaneity and really exciting. Unfortunately, there is a price to pay for these attributes as many times their behavior is often erratic, contradicting and generally unhealthy to be around. What is even more difficult is determining whether the attraction is based more upon their personality and character or the desire to want what you simply cannot have. I struggle with these issues quite a bit as it seems I find a lot of women that I can only relate to on a surface level, nothing more; my actions therefore are mostly indifferent towards them. Though there have been a couple of women throughout my life that have affected me a great deal, they all possess this 'instability factor'. I am left to wonder whether I will ever be attracted to a woman who has the intrigue, depth and passion I desire, while at the same time remaining psychologically healthy enough to have a healthy relationship.

Her Space Holiday - "Japanese Gum"

Meet Next Life

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and I've come up with two profound thoughts on my situation. First, I've realized that it is not the fact that I have a new set of circumstances to deal with in my life, but more in the way that I have been approaching them. By this I mean I have dealt with everything in a manner that was more pre-incident rather than post-incident. In other words, I have not come to terms with the fact that my life these days is a completely different experience. While there still might be things that are similar such as my music tastes or other types of interests, the core of my identity and interaction with the world has changed substantially. Until I am finally able to make this realization and live my life in a completely different manner and focus, I will continue to make myself miserable. This reminds me of the movie Jacob's Ladder, a film which touches greatly on the subject of letting go of one's life. There is a particular quote that resonated deeply with me, "If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the Earth." I didn't want to give up the life I had before, but now that I am fully aware my previous cycle is over, I must finally move on. I am hoping that in this new life cycle that I will be much more productive and I perhaps it will eventually lead towards some form of happiness.

The second thing I've thought about is something I heard on Coast to Coast AM last Friday night. The topic for the program was "the cards you were dealt in life" and the host made a particular remark that I found quite profound. He said "regardless of the cards you get dealt in life, eventually everyone will find out that they're the dealer." We all have control over the lives we lead it just greatly depends on a) the ways in which we think and b) the ways in which we react to uncontrollable events. Like it or not, life will always throw curve balls your way, but if you let them destroy you then you're giving away all of your power and control. This is much easier said than done but it is still something I think about quite a bit these days.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past few months probably more so than I've learned in my entire life. Don't hold on to the past to the point where your present and future are crippled because of it. Come to realize that some things will never be the same again and accept that fact when you have no control over the circumstances. Live each day to the best of your ability and don't waste what little time we have here on negative situations that aren't going anywhere. There are so many amazing experiences to have in this world, don't limit yourself to just a small portion of those occurrences. Lastly, know when to call it quits in regards to particular situations; no matter how badly you might want them to work out, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. The sooner you can come to these realizations, the sooner newer more positive experiences will come your way.

Restless Nights

I'm not sure exactly where to start but I guess I'll tell you what's been going on in my life lately. First and foremost my sleeping schedule has been extremely erratic as my circadian rhythm is quite off-kilter. A friend of mine told me he was diagnosed with Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome and after I did a bit of research on the condition, I'm quite sure I am also afflicted. The crux of it is that the mind has difficulty shutting itself off during normal sleeping hours such that one stays awake despite actually being physically tired. It is truly amazing how having issues with sleeping can affect someone on such a large scale.

I've been through a lot in the past year and that certainly doesn't help the mind calm itself down when it should be resting. Instead I tend to see a lot of flashbacks in my mind of these events and since the memories aren't very positive, this tends to make everything far worse. I think about my father and how much he suffered during the past year, I think about a girl who isn't in my life anymore and all of the intense pressures that are put upon me these days, heavy stuff indeed.

There is some relief thought especially when I put on music like Hammock, a band that seems to take me all of the places I've ever wanted to go. Listening to their music is like floating off into the ether and reliving all of your best memories; this is a truly mesmerizing experience that I wish would never end. Morning generally comes and I'm still awake with the thoughts of everything I must accomplish for the day, sometimes it gets done other times it doesn't.

I watched the film Abre los ojos the other night, which was really well done. The movie was the film by which Vanilla Sky was based on and I must admit that it got me thinking quite a bit about my own life. At the end the main character must make a decision to either continue living a lucid dream or wake up and to a brand new life in the future. This idea is quite centric to where my life is at the moment since I'm at the forefront of making the same types of determination. All in all I've got a lot of figuring out to do in regards to how I will continue to live. Writing tends to help me bring these thoughts into a tangible manner, so I'll continue to do so hoping things will eventually make sense.