Could This Really Have Happened?

I still can't believe it is October already; time tends to move so slow yet so incredibly fast at the same time. Life is perplexing and it is hard to keep track of the days anymore, everything seems to blur together. Each day, I continue to have flashbacks in my mind, of conversations, of drives to the hospital, of moments I will never begin to experience again in my life. I cannot believe this is how it ended, my mind will never fully wrap itself around that concept. I'm unable to process this experience and yet I am condemned to repeat it every single day. The thoughts alone make me teary-eyed, I don't want to believe they are real, but at the same time I can't deny it. At night, in the morning, I ask myself the same series of questions over and over again, "How could this have really happened?", "Why did this happen to my family?", "How can I ever begin to deal with this situation?". Then I continuously replay all of the events from 2007 in fast-forward through my mind's eye and suddenly I'm back to this very moment.

I doubt it ever gets any easier, you probably just finally deal with it because you really have no other choice. I wish I could go back to simpler times when my mind wasn't so cluttered with these disturbing thoughts, but I fear they will always be there. The pain and sadness are everlasting and there are only brief glimpses of moments, ideas and escapes where I can temporarily forget what has happened, but then it goes away. The gravity of the situation is enormous, enough to crush you in a single blow. Yet each day my heart continues to beat and I walk around almost in a daze, this is my life. Perhaps my final purpose hasn't become clear yet at this time, maybe one day it will. In the end, I'm still here in this moment and I doubt I'm leaving anytime soon.